danielle mackinnon headshot with dog tuukka

Spiritual narcissism? It’s a thing…

shutterstock_466528883I not really a controversial person. At least, I don’t consider myself to be that way. The things that I write, I like to of as helpful, and hopeful (and sometimes funny?).

But I want to talk about this energy that is so prevalent right now, even though it’s controversial.

The energy of narcissism.

This is such a challenging energy to deal with as it doesn’t follow the usual energetic patterns. It is all-encompassing, over-powering, and forceful.

If you had any unhealthy energetic patterns or tendencies before coming into contact with this energy, you can be that they’ll be exacerbated once you’re in the midst of experiencing it.

It doesn’t matter if the narcissistic energy is showing up in a parent, friend, lover, colleague, boss, or anyone else: it has a great power to pull things deeply hidden to the forefront – as evidenced by most people’s strong reactions to it.

Luckily, when you realize that this narcissistic energy is just showing up in your life to help you make energetic changes within, dealing with it can become much easier.

Narcissistic energy simply represents a spiritual opportunity to become energetically healthier.

If you’re currently being affected by a narcissist, start looking at what that effect really is. Do you try to make your energy invisible? Do you hold your energy in? Do you feel scattered around this person? Do you immediately feel like exploding your energy at everyone?

Noticing what you do with your energy is the first step in beginning to manage it differently and that’s also the first step in getting this spiritual lesson the narcissistic energy is there to teach you.

If you have a narcissist in your life (past or present), it really is your opportunity to grow and understanding your own energy patterns is a healthy first step to take in that growth.

What are your thoughts? Share them below.

22 replies
  1. Helena Ullmark Sweden
    Helena Ullmark Sweden says:

    Oh, yes. My mother in law. Nowadays I duck under the radar, keep distance and when inevitable I make boundaries clear. So, of your options, I guess I hold my energy in. Or make it invisible. Have been trying to please my mother-in-law and get along with her for almost 20 years now. Needless to say, it has never worked. As she is growing older now her narcissistic behaviour increases and becomes more pronounced. God, so many tears I have shed for not being able to connect to her! When I suffered from depression and anxiety a few years back (caused by a burn-out), I went to therapy with the BEST psychologist ever. She even supports me “hearing voices” aka communicating w animals and spirits 🙂 Anyway, this thorough break-down made me look at Everything, also the relationship with my mother in law. Who I by then hade xcluded from my Life, although the in-laws live only 25 kilometers from us). And as the insight that the only person I can change is myself, my psychologist helped me find a way to appreciate actually having her in my (and my husband’s) Life. As a counter-role-model. To observe her behaviour, which is what I do nowadays, is interesting, and a real leraning experience. I can find tiny pieces of it in my own behaviour, I Think we all carry that narcissistic tendencies, we can only choose to leave them or to enhance them. When we are aware of them… Anyway, when I socialize with my mother-in-law (and the rest of extended family, never us two on our own), I keep a low profile but with strict boundaries. I even cut her off “rudely”, to make my boundary clear, instead of trying to change into something she’ll like. So now I can stand it. But it hurts when I see my sister-in-law got really hurt last time there was a family dinner. We aren’t close either, but I tried to tell her that it was she who was to blame, she had done her best, it’s out twisted mother-in-law who creates all these dramas. Which I now can say with compassion. She basically has no choice, as long as she doesn’t want to observe her own behaviour.

  2. Amy Rengo
    Amy Rengo says:

    Thank you, Danielle, I grew up with a narcissist mother and two of my three sisters are narcissists. I was the scapegoat and the one who ran to help everyone in my family. No one, of course, ever came to help me. My youngest sister is the forgotten child, but we were 8 years apart and were never close. The last time I dropped everything to help a sister was three years ago when she lost her job due to mental illness. She also broke her arm and needed help for the final month of her job and to pack. I did everything for her. She also is horrible with money so my husband and I had to pay for so much for her. But she was family and I loved her. I moved her up to where we grew up, we bought a mobile home for her to live in and so much more. My sister was difficult but I tried to be understanding due to her mental illness. My mother made it so much worse. This was not the first time my mother made it difficult for me and a sister. The stress of dealing with them reactivated a dormant Lyme Disease infection. My doctor told me that stress is the worst thing for this illness. I’ve been pretty much homebound for two years. My mother decided since she had no one else to help make my life miserable, not to talk to me. It’s been a year and a half. I decided not to talk to the sister I recently helped and it’s been over 6 months. I haven’t spoken with my other two sisters in years. While it was hard and sometimes still is, I feel has this has taught me so much about myself. I never focused on my gifts or myself. I learned that I am codependent and am working on that. It was the “bump” I needed to learn the lesson of giving too much. I am very empathic so I need to learn how to protect myself better from narcissists since I seem to attract them. Going no contact is a difficult decision but it was the one I had to make for myself and family. I am hopeful that I will heal and be able to live a much happier life. I have a wonderful husband and three fabulous grown children so I feel blessed and looking forward to expanding upon my gifts.

  3. Denise
    Denise says:

    Thank you, Danielle. I never thought about looking at it from the point of view of what it does to me energetically. I work for someone who doesn’t have a problem with taking work away from people who have cancer, families with mouths to feed, where a spouse is unemployed, you name it, just because she feels she is entitled and the best or the “cream” should never go below her.
    For several years now, I have just done my best to not have anything to do with her. When I think about what an ugly person she is, and how she truly thinks it is all about her and has a total disregard of anyone else’s situation, my response has been one of anger — and I’m not an angry person!
    Not once have I thought about is there a lesson in this for me — not feeling the warm fuzzies about admitting that one. Thank you, you have given me food for thought.

  4. Sarah Prescott
    Sarah Prescott says:

    Wow! Thank you Danielle. I have learned to take even better care of myself, through your help and others. If I am not strong I am not able to help anyone else. With so much negative and narcissistic behavior in the news these days it is imperative that we all help each other as best we can from where we stand. Big hugs!! XXO

  5. Liz
    Liz says:

    Thank you for this Danielle. It allowed me to stop and think about how I react and I do one of two things – I lash out in frustration or I pull back within myself. I have been trying to be much more aware of my energy and thinking before reacting. This was very insightful. Have a wonderful Holiday.

  6. Star
    Star says:

    Deep within, they are deeply wounded and don’t love themselves, and hide behind a grandiose facade. In a relationship, they pull and hook you in, then push you away. For many, it is on a subconscious level. I am an empath with codependent tendencies, and the attraction to my ex was irresistible, like a magnet. My deepest shadows were mirrored. The abuse is subtle on a psychological level.Still trying to heal and let go……..

  7. MB
    MB says:

    True But isn’t that true of any experience (positive or negative) that we experience in life. Until recently I didn’t have a term or information to understand what I was dealing with. It’s nice in the quite time but hell to pay in the bad times. The disappearance of items ( always mine) has become very hard to take. The years of lies ….you know they are lying but you can’t price it. The total waste of my life is hard to take. In this situation energy without money dead energy.

  8. JF
    JF says:

    Oh, I am dealing with this exact thing right now with my husband… it’s always been there, but I’m just starting to recognize it for what it is, and stand in my power. Would you please please keep going with this topic? Is there a point at which you terminate the relationship? Some days it feels hopeless. Thank you. ❤️

  9. Naomi
    Naomi says:

    Shelly, I think the relationship advice you have received works in the moment, but unless the narcissist is able to see themselves and commit to long term therapy, it probably won’t change the relationship dynamics. The key for you in dealing with them is to detach your emotions from the situation. If you really unhook yourself emotionally from your feelings that cause you to react, you will help yourself AND they will feel that you are not getting triggered, thus why should they continue to say and do things that get a reaction which is what they want. You have to not care how the relationship plays out. If you can maintain this, you will probably have peace. I think narcissists look for people who are sensitive and who they can manipulate. It feels heartless not to care, but it has been effective for me. I hope this helps.

  10. Amy
    Amy says:

    I have two kids (6&7) with a narcissist. I chose to leave the situation because I never wanted my children to see a man treat or talk to me that way. upon the decision to leave (which was the hardest decision ever), I gained so much of myself back and more. I came to the realization that he was the shadow aspect of myself. I could stoop to his level (it’s hard not to after years of it), or I could be neutral to him. It took years of work on myself, but now we co parent rather nicely. As with any relationship, it has bumps here and there, not often. But when they do, I don’t get myself involved in any of that behavior or energy. I just recognize that it’s happening to remind me of my power. I can feel compassion for him and then disassociate. I love myself and let him be him. I don’t feel the need to defend myself or prove he’s wrong. I know me. I know who I am. He can’t shake that. But thank him for being a huge part of my spiritual growth and reminding me how awesome I am! Thank you.

  11. Isara
    Isara says:

    I so wish to heal my own narcissism. am i so much ? there is good chance..yes i am !!.i pray God to clear all need to be recognize and validate by others but instead to feel complete and whole. I Feel like at time and to often like a complete doormat and being taken for granted I give none stop and for free.. . Today.I started the 6 light calls again. i am reading a lot about – Others-. Why thinking of others , they reflect who we are. its our mirror. I am Narcissist yes. . I talk a lot. But I found out that…the time you occupied the“antenna radio` ( metaphor ) to talk in general . It dos not matter the topic .if you talk about your families.the weather.your pets.your politics concerns .the time you talk.it dos not matter what it is about. what matter is equal time share and people loose that perspective. for the level of intensity and charge. if it is about you’re own persona or what ever topic. Its miss perceive because of the intensity that people have when they talk about them self .love. argument. dream ect ect ( at least that what is going on with my big vortex and yes..i can endorse being a Narcissistic and get the courage to do my own introspection but not everybody dos.).it is perceived has narcissism., when its more charge at an energy level when you speak about youre self from any other topic.. But this is just a perception of course. Opinion minded is also perceived as narcissism. I get it.I am being hate at time and feel as a treat.for being spiritual.or using essential oils.or for any talent i have.this healing journey is so intense. Well.i have no choice to make peace with my narcissism and laugh about it. laughs is link with light. I so wish to laugh my way out of drama . thank you Danielle.

  12. JoAnn
    JoAnn says:

    it is difficult being around someone who is so self-involved that they can not see or feel for anyone or anything and so frustrating too.I find the best way to not be around this energy is to do my best to stay away from it as much as possible,but if I were to look deeper within that person I wonder if deep down they are just scared and insecure so their boisterous ways are just a cover up for wanting to be liked and accepted,its a confusing thing

  13. Marcia Alldridge
    Marcia Alldridge says:

    Thankyou been dealing with my Narcissist father for years, listening to the me myself and i syndrome is draining. Learning to listen to my energy is something i need to address and how to channel it into calm, rather than letting it scatter into anger at him, and myself. Im so glad that its become a subject that is now talked about openly.

  14. Amy Bielawski
    Amy Bielawski says:

    Having grown up with a mother who is a narcissist is a very tough childhood. I’m 51 and have been through lots of therapies, but unfortunately the only way to deal with the person and the memories is to stay far away from her.

    I had a 17 year break until last November when she decided I needed to take a trip to see her and she could give me her updated will. Obviously there was no reason for me to have to travel to see her and the will but our cousin convinced me that this was a healing opportunity. It was very stressful and I would have to say that she has changed but for the worse. She has scared almost everyone out of her life with her dramatics and lack of support for friends and family.

    So we had several phone calls after that and of course, she is so bitter that there is no way for her to not attack. I have had a lifetime of her attacks and had to hang up on her and haven’t spoken since.

    This is the only way I can be safe and not have the ptsd type of reactions and discourse in my own life. But clearly she hasn’t changed and has never gotten help because she is better than anyone in her life.

  15. Shelley
    Shelley says:

    Thank you, Pat, for sharing your perspective on this. I’ve had such a difficult time knowing how to deal with the narcissist in my life, and gotten so much mixed up (and unhelpful) advice about it. I have this same experience that trying to combat her pattern by pointing it out or fighting for for my right to talk – just leads to her sulking, withdrawing, or attacking me, or she creates an elaborate dialogue of confusion so it seems like the problem is mine, and not hers. But so many experts tell me to just be more assertive & set stronger boundaries. I don’t find this really works at all with a narcissist. Very little of the “usual” relationship advice actually works here. I’m still finding my way into a solution that seems right to me. It’s like being in a whole new territory of creative relationship wisdom and needing to disregard the “self-help experts”, learn to trust myself and play with unconventional perspectives / totally new ways of looking at things.

  16. Heidi
    Heidi says:

    I recently experienced a situation where an entire family came off so loud & shattering to my flow. My instinct was to run away & avoid them however that wasn’t an option. I kept trying to make sense of it in my head. Their actual volume wasn’t really that loud all the time but their presence was loud & I was out of my mind over it. I need to develop better coping mechanisms for these situations in the future.
    Also Pats comment about “Sheila” resonates with me. I know many “Sheilas” & I’m probably very “Sheila” myself sometimes. Thank you for sharing.

  17. Jennifer
    Jennifer says:

    You nailed it my dear. Thank you kindly for this piece and for the action oriented ways to deal with it. Refreshing indeed and very empowering. Much needed for myself and I’m sure others at this time and in this day of age where it seems they are thriving. Holding my center and not shapeshifting to cope with them is my next step. Have a wonderful holiday season and thanks for your courage in sharing your thoughts, feelings and wisdom.

  18. Jen
    Jen says:

    Thank you for the clarity! I deal with this continuously with my husband. I’ve had to reframe it as a point of learning for me. It’s nice to hear that is a productive approach…it’s all you can do..and be greatful for the opportunity to learn and grow. Thank you Danielle!!!

  19. Pat Carrington
    Pat Carrington says:

    Yep. My friend Sheila (not her real name) has been compulsively narcissistic for years but nevertheless an insightful and somehow very loyal friend in many ways – in the last couple of years she has begun to grow noticeably in compassion and the ability to “see” another person other than herself, after a series of very difficult challenges – but last night she kept shutting me up every single time I tried to tell her something that was actually essential to our conversation – unless we were talking about her. I found myself doing some calculating in my head – she is really getting softer in general (you can hear it in her voice) – she trulky loves me but her worst traits were coming out last night. I saw this as an opportunity to grow by recognizing the mixed messages that people can convey and the mixed way that things can be in general, Good-Bad mixture, rather than either combatting her pattern by pointing it out or by fighting for my right to talk (absolutely counterproductive I have discovered over the years and she compulsively goes into a sulk or withdraws) but instead re-evaluating what I want to get out of that actually close friendship and what I simply can’t get (still that is, people do change) out of it. I have decided that when I need her remarkable intuition – she is VERY sensitive, right on target in fact, provided I don’t TALK much when I ask her reaction to anything – she really doesn’t want to hear what she doesn’t want to hear but can be both very psychic and perceptive and VERY wise if you let HER be the one who is talking continuously. There IS, I have decided, a way to enjoy the good she has to offer without over-expecting from her – she’s just not like other people and my challenge is to not take an either-or stance here. She can be a wonderful friend in one way, but a very frustrating confidante, at the same time. Does that make sense? It seems to help me with my decision here and it’s certainly no coincidence that you posted that warning about narcissism rearing its ugly head for us this morning! Thanks!


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