Speaking up: the gift of the bad relationship

I have a friend who was, until recently, losing himself in his new relationship. Years ago, if I had been in this situation, I would have kept my mouth shut, ignored it until they broke up and then would have spent hours upon hours with my friend consoling him. This is because years ago I was bound by Soul Contracts that drove me to believe that good friends don’t cause conflict. In fact, years ago I often found myself in the same position that many of my clients now find themselves in: surrounded by friends who needed my help and advice, tired and drained by all my commitments and alone because not one of those people around me was capable of showing me even one tenth of the support that I gave them each and every day and that I so desperately needed.

Since then, I have spent time and energy clearing my Soul Contracts, changing my patterns and learning my lessons around friends and balance in relationships: when to speak up, when to be there, when to ask for help…  With all this work I’ve done I thought I should be able to easily walk through this situation with my friend… yeah right!

For a few weeks prior I had been contemplating speaking with my friend about his most recent relationship. I was torn because I saw him – catering his lifestyle to hers, changing his hobbies to match hers, calling his friends and family less and less. From our past conversations, I knew it was something he didn’t want to be doing, and I felt like I wanted to let him know. But there was an unexpected part of me that said “don’t rock the boat Danielle!” and “you have no right to tell him!” and “stop being so judgmental!” This nice little push-pull conversation carried on in my head for several weeks. We spoke less and less on the phone partially because he wasn’t communicating much with anyone other than his girlfriend – but also because I found it harder and harder to watch. Finally, my intuition spoke out loud and clear when I woke up one morning struck with the idea that my feelings were  getting in the way of the friendship and I had to do something about them. At this realization, I was surprised to observe that talking to my friend STILL scared the daylights out of me!

At first, I couldn’t understand why talking with him about this – a subject he and I had covered well as he went through his past relationships was making me shake in my boots. After all, I had already addressed  this fear through my Soul Contract work! As my fear began to take hold, I began to wonder if all of my work was actually crap? Did I not know what I was talking about with my clients? Did I only “think” I had cleared these things but somehow I hadn’t? I went down into a nice little spiral of desperation and anxiety to the point where I was questioning everything  from speaking up to being intuitive to being a good mother. Don’t you love how fear can do that? Blow everything up right in front of you? I kept thinking to myself “I dealt with my Soul Contracts around speaking up, around rocking the boat, and around stating my opinion even when it was not the popular opinion… so why am I finding it so hard to do now?”

As I meditated on my negativity a few mornings later, my intuition spoke up again. I realized that – yes, I really had released my Soul Contracts surrounding speaking up – but I had not yet broken all of the habits that resulted from those Soul Contacts. Some of the habits I had certainly already addressed – from becoming comfortable being an expert to feeling confident working with my clients on their relationships to speaking about my work in front of groups. But the habit I had not yet addressed? Speaking up with a friend about love. Professionally – I had blasted through the habits that had held me back, but personally… not so much!

In the end, I knew that the way to break the habit was to walk through it. I did talk candidly with my friend. It was a one-time conversation in which I briefly voiced what I was feeling and observing. He took it well and thanked me for talking with him about it even though he hadn’t asked me. He said he had been thinking he might be losing himself and I had provided him with the confirmation he needed to make changes. My intention in telling him what I was observing and feeling wasn’t to make him behave differently, it was to voice something that was getting in the way of our friendship. Whether he makes the changes or not, I feel good about having voiced my thoughts – as that was the point in the first place: to be honest about my feelings.

What a gift my friend’s imbalanced relationship was by giving me an opportunity to experience (yet again) the power of the Soul Contract!

Love & Light,

8 replies
  1. Diane
    Diane says:

    I got out of a bad realationship,2 years ago. It was hard to move on because we Had property toether,and it wasn’t selling. so intangalment took over. I now realize I keep it going. I now am feeling beter and moving on. It was a 20 years I was hooked.. I sometimes wonder why it took me so long.

  2. Karen
    Karen says:

    After reading “The Gift of a Bad Friendship” it had given me the push I needed to move on and let it be known. Thank you.

  3. Veronica
    Veronica says:

    Judgement carries a degree of negative emotion – observation is simply that, an observation. If we speak to our family and friends about their situation from an observation point of view we can take them and ourselves to a higher image (unconditional love). They can then deal with it as they wish and we have given the message that, through our own gift, we have free will to pass on or not. We can observe for ourselves the lesson they have not taken from a particular situation or relationship and in turn create a lesson for ourselves. In every teacher is a student and in every student is a teacher. I agree every situation is a gift, a time to learn, a time to recognise personal growth, and even I time to move on.

  4. JoAnn
    JoAnn says:

    In a friendship, I’m torn about “speaking up.” One side says: My friend needs to get his/her own” “self-awareness” about the negative stuff going on… It’s not my role to “emotionally wake up” an adult friend unless they’re in extreme suffering, mental or physical danger… Maybe it’s their lesson to learn and experience so they can become aware or “wake up” about the relationship. They may not be ready to “hear” any advice no matter how much pure/good intentions I have… Maybe my judgment is just wrong. Etc. The other side of me says: Why wait when a friend is suffering? Maybe I am supposed to be the “catalyst” that helps my friend “wake up?” Isn’t that what friends are for? Difficult topic to deal with. Thanks for sharing and opening up our eyes to this issue. You’ve made me think a little deeper on this.

  5. Jesse
    Jesse says:

    Thanks for timely communication. We’re not perfect and there may be yet another new little twist to work with. Great you had courage and honesty to explore, and then share with us Perfect message for me as I woke up doubting what I said to friend of 53 years about her relationship with her boyfriend. When people dump their lives in your lap, plus your work is a healer or counselor, it’s a really fine line when to just listen. Learning to be in relationship and be honest with myself first. Hope Danielle will teach more about soul contracts. Liberating! Thank You!

  6. Jennifer
    Jennifer says:

    WOW,this newsletter came at the perfect time.I am torn over a situation involving my good friend’s son whom is sick and also an alcoholic.I have known for awhile now that I am recieving messages that I am supposed to talk to him,but the timing hasn’t been right…the time has come that it can’t be put off any longer.This newsletter coming in this morning is validation(along with everything else that has been going on).Danielle,I thank you,I listened in to your teleseminar a few weeks back and a few other things you offered,these things have definetly helped raise my awareness.God bless you.

  7. Fred
    Fred says:

    sounds like there’s an empathic consideration linked to a realtionship where you became an uncomfortable messenger to your friend? Messengers do receive minor passive aggressive comments after being “thanked” which can overly impact a sensitive, resulting in delayed communication after much simmering over time. It is a spiritual gift to experience the process of being a messenger? Possibly, the gift is from the Friend forcing verbal action? It’s too bad this process must be so involved; speaking up is Step One towards Change. A very insightful article bearing common frustrations we all face. Being confident with awareness and listening isn’t so easy to do in the highest good…especially when spiritual growth is the desired heart felt intention…Regret and remorse is part of stepping-up? Sensitives feels these questions deeply…making it difficult to speak up in a timely manner.


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