Why I’m Crying

Danielle MacKinnon cryingYou’re probably wonder why I’m crying in this picture.
This is the final pic taken as I was leaving Costa Rica and the Horse and Soul Trip a few days ago. That’s Sally Nillsson that I am hugging (and crying with). She’s one of the co-facilitators on the trip and a pretty incredible person overall. (And who, of course, looks totally beautiful here.)
If you’ve been following my work for any amount of time, you probably already know that my husband and I sold our house in August and are currently homeless (living with incredible friends) while we build our new house in Maine.
But what you may not know about me is that I am a BIG homebody. If I didn’t go to pilates, I often wouldn’t leave the house. I LOVE my space, I LOVE my day with my dog, I LOVE having my own little spot.
So, since August, when we sold our house and our kid left for college, my hubby and I have been feeling untethered. Me in particular. It became a “story” of mine. At events, I would start off with the story of me not having a home and how ungrounded I feel… I told this to everyone.
But while I was in Costa Rica, running the Horse and Soul retreat with Sally and Debbie, I noticed that what I was REALLY feeling. Yes, it was some ungrounding over not having my own home, but it was also grief. I was grieving the HUGE change I was experiencing.
Sometimes in yoga in the mornings, I would just burst out crying – even though these changes were all GOOD things.
And then I noticed that, the more I allowed myself to grieve, the better I felt. The more I allowed myself to have the “feelings” about the changes (instead of telling myself that I shouldn’t have these feelings) the better I felt in my body. The better my energy felt.
I realized that I was already home – and it wasn’t Costa Rica. It was me. I am my home. No matter where I go, I am my home.
So, this is why I was crying with Sally. They were tears of grief, sadness, joy, relief, happiness, expectation, uncertainty…
And how GOOD it felt to let them all out!
8 replies
  1. Mattie Gootee
    Mattie Gootee says:

    How did the horses influence or support you? One horse or the herd? What were their messages? What did they say? Were they able to hang with you when you were not authentic? As in, laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. I have found they’re fine if crying in that time is who you are, but if you pretend everything is OK and it’s not, that’s not usually what they will tolerate. And they’ll send you a message to clue you in and encourage you to step up, either in what they do, or won’t do for you. They need authenticity to keep the herd safe. They experience grief as well, maybe different, I’m not sure.

    Best to you on your new adventure. Perhaps you could invite some participants who might like to share as well. Some of the participants might want to relay what happened to them with the horses. What actually happened to you with the horses or a horse or did they work as a herd?

    Thank you

    Reply
  2. Jody Crotty
    Jody Crotty says:

    Thank you for sharing such a raw and emotional moment. I totally agree with allowing your self to have that grief how you can feel after, I have been feeling the same and what you felt and talked about completely makes sense. Thank you!

    Reply
  3. Pam
    Pam says:

    Thank you, thank you, Danielle! It’s so great to be reminded about allowing our feelings instead of repressing them and should-ing them away … and that we are always home within ourselves. Thanks again sharing yourself and your wisdom with us.

    Reply

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