Being in Costa Rica is has been stressing me out a bit.
I mean, I love it and it’s going well and the group is very happy – but I haven’t been able to participate in the other parts of my work the way I normally do – and this has been weighing on me big time!
In Be Open, for example, I’ve considered a new, big, wonderful part of my job to jump into the group and do my part.
But actually, what I’ve been struggling with for the past few months here in Be Open is how to get those in the community to find their own voices, rather than waiting for my voice and not being able to be very present because I’m in Costa Rica has been exacerbating this struggle (which, as it turns out was an unnecessary struggle)! This morning, though, I’m receiving a huge lesson in how to “make” those voices happen – and in what has REALLY been going on in Be Open.
I mean, I should have realized this a long time ago as the message from every animal, every meditation, and every possible source in my life over the past several months has been “chill” but the truth is, I didn’t know what that meant! How do I chill or “Be” when I want something to go a certain way? That’s not really how I normally operate.
So, in Be Open I’ve been doing MORE – like trying to comment everywhere, be there for everyone all the time.
Push, go, do, and make it happen have been the basic tenants of my life since last September, the last time I came to Costa Rica and it’s taken me until right now, this moment at 5am in Costa Rica, as I lay here in my bed, looking out at the volcano surrounded in fog, typing this all on my phone ( my fingers hurt!) to finally totally embody a truth about myself:
I’ve been leading my life with a huge PUSH energy! Forcing things into place, assuming I know what is best always, making stuff happen. This, for me, is an incredible realization. I’d never PUSH or dominate anyone else like that (in fact, it felt horrible to me to dominate anyone else in any way) but I’ve been behaving as it I thought it was fine to relentlessly do it to myself.
I totally forgot about the universe. I forgot that if I can just hang out in my knowing and allow some stuff to go the way it’s going to go, that if I can nurture myself a little bit, get some support from friends, make space for fun, my life would be much… easier. And probably a whole lot more awesome.
I came to Costa Rica just so tired. Tired of living with this push, push, push energy but I didn’t trust that any other way would do.
So I’ve taken a break from all of this pushing to be here with the horses. I’ve seen how no one horse does it all. They switch out their roles. They take turns. Sometimes one horse is in push mode, but then five minutes later it’s a different horse in push mode giving the first horse a chance to breathe…
And how did I have this realization right now in this moment?
Because yesterday when I woke up I had this thought: “Uh oh! You haven’t been in Be Open in a couple days, people are going to be mad!” But because we went riding I just didn’t have the time to go in and be with the group so I felt even worse.
So when I woke up THIS MORNING, my intention was to “catch up” and make up For not being so present while I’m doing the Costa Rica workshops (*I’ve got another one in October is you want to come??).
And what happens?
I go in to Be Open to look around and I have 29 new Be Open notifications! I immediately freaked out that I wasn’t doing my job! Oh no! I have to go in and catch up on all of these! People need me! I’ve got to get in there and PUSH to make this community happen!
I began reading through what everyone had been writing to each other over the past few days and then I stopped.
I stopped and thought about what I was witnessing.
I realized this is it! This is what I’ve been waiting for, wanting for you the group, wishing, hoping and pushing for – and the group is really doing it! And they’ve been doing it – regardless of my pushing or not pushing.
The group is creating this community of love – this place of support for one another where people are feeling safe to show up in their imperfections and all.
They didn’t need me in there pushing every day to “make” it happen – my pushing actually had no bearing on what they were doing. What they needed was less Danielle push and more of just being together.
I’m laughing at myself now for putting this crazy pressure on myself around Be Open. I’m laughing for thinking I need to push, push, push… my intention to create and be part of this community was actually ENOUGH!
I’m blown away by what the people in Be Open are creating for themselves here and I’m honored to be a part of it. I’m only a part of it – and how much better does this really feel!
I’m excited to really PLAY in the Be Open space, to share and love and learn together. I’m excited now to actually let myself enjoy being there! I’m so excited to take the pressure off myself and just be present!
As I write this, I have a tear rolling down my right cheek. I just feel so grateful right now. Thank you all for teaching me something I just hadn’t been able to get!
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