Danielle MacKinnon https://www.daniellemackinnon.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/DM_Logo_white_blue-nowords.png Danielle MacKinnon2016-10-08 06:59:152016-10-08 06:59:15Breakdown Costa Rica (Part 1)
I’ve been talking a bit about this incredible experience I had with my horse while in Costa Rica and I’m finally ready to share the details with you.
This is going to be a bit of a soul-baring thing. It’s a little scary.
One of the things that I’ve been challenged with over the years is boundaries. While I’ve spent time working on the negative belief driving all of this (I’m not safe/supported/protected), I haven’t completely reversed that belief and as a result, I find that in some instances of boundary drawing, I struggle.
As evidenced by my first ride on my horse in last week’s Costa Rica trip. Actually, this was my first ride on ANY horse.
There were eight of us going for the ride. We were working with the horses that “chose” us – so we all knew there would be a special connection on this ride.
As we began our hour long trek to the waterfall on our horses, Enrique, one of the facilitators said, “Don’t let your horses eat grass. If you’re connected that won’t happen.”
Well, I wanted to do this horse ride right. And I wanted to be connected in the way I was supposed to. And I wanted to do a good job – so I was going to make sure my horse didn’t eat grass.
But that wasn’t what was going to happen.
My horse (whose name I’m leaving out in case you’re coming to Costa Rica with me this spring) decided that he needed to bring some “stuff” up within me.
And he started eating grass.
Everyone else is having a great time with their horse, trotting, walking, looking at the volcano and the cool trees… but not me.
My horse started grabbing huge mouthfuls of grass as we walked by.
Again and again.
Each time this would happen, I would say – OK, I need to be more connected. I need to do this better.
And then he would suddenly have another mouthful and chomp away.
So, I started getting frustrated and I would try harder to feel the connection.
And then he started veering off the entire path to actually walk into the tall grass and chomp away, while I frantically tried to ground myself and feel the connection with him.
But it wasn’t working.
When we finally stopped and got off our horses to go sit by the waterfall and have lunch, I was pissed.
Yup, that’s how I was feeling and it was definitely the word I used, loudly, when I was asked how the ride was.
“I’m pissed!” I said. “I feel like I’m doing everything right. I know I’m great at connection – and yet, he’s not listening to what I’m saying!”
I looked at the group as they stared back at me. THEY all seemed to have great rides. I was the only one with the problem.
“It seems so unfair!” I wailed, while covering my eyes. “You all were just enjoying yourself and I couldn’t make it work!”
Debbie softly explained that I wasn’t earning my horse’s respect. That he was behaving the way he was because I wasn’t setting a firm boundary. She told me that I needed to be stronger and more dominant in my energy.
Actually, it took her longer to say this because I wasn’t in the greatest space to listen. I was heaving and crying and wishing I just wasn’t in this situation.
It was a deep, long-buried part of me that was showing up.
“I don’t want to dominate my horse! I don’t want to do that with anyone! I’ve had that done to me growing up and it wasn’t OK. I don’t ever want to do that to anyone!”
Looking back, I realize it was the little girl part of me that was showing up – but it was time for me to finally address it.
“Danielle, you have to be able to defend yourself. You have to be able to set boundaries in your life. This isn’t about hurting your horse – this is about standing up for yourself and setting a boundary in place so that everyone knows where they stand.”
I didn’t want to do it. I really, really didn’t want to do it. And that was the problem. I really needed to do something that I didn’t want to do and had actually never done in my entire life…
OK, so I’m going to continue this in my next post. I didn’t realize how LONG this was going to be or how much I had to say. Sorry! I’m only half way through!
If you’ve liked reading about my experience so far, or if you think you know where this breakdown is going, I’d love to know. Please share here.
Also, to read part 2 of my experience, click here.
Love and Light,