Danielle MacKinnon https://www.daniellemackinnon.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/DM_Logo_white_blue-nowords.png Danielle MacKinnon2016-10-10 07:47:462016-10-10 07:47:46Breakdown Costa Rica (Part 2) Setting Boundaries
Click here to read Part 1 first. Otherwise, this all may not make that much sense 🙂
Alright, I’m going to do it. On Saturday I wrote about my break down in Costa Rica (see part 1 here) but I left you hanging. I didn’t finish my story.
Well, I’m going to finish my story despite how challenging it is for me to do.
It’s interesting that I have this part of my story still to tell as it has to do with my fear of bullying or dominating another being – something that is very prevalent on the news right now. Especially today.
So, here I am. Standing in the middle of my group in Costa Rica, covering my eyes with the back of my hand, huffing and sobbing that I don’t want to dominate my horse.
“I don’t want to push my wants on someone else. I don’t want to MAKE anyone else do what I want, unless it’s their choice to do it!” I cried.
My struggle to get my horse to stop eating grass as we rode to the waterfall felt overwhelming to me.
No one else had that problem.
No one else was upset.
No one else had a horse that wasn’t listening.
Debbie, the group leader pushed me to look at that thought. “Why don’t you want to stand up for yourself Danielle? Why isn’t it OK to put a boundary in place?”
And after much turmoil, I realized it was because I didn’t want to make anyone else feel the hurt and pain that I had felt in my life. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else or be the cause of anyone’s pain.
I realized that my own pain, the pain that stemmed from my childhood, was one of the reasons I wanted to help others believe in themselves so much now. I didn’t want anyone to have to feel the way I felt.
But then, what I saw, was that, by not setting boundaries (at least certain boundaries), I wasn’t just failing to give my horse direction and leadership, I was also hurting myself.
And how much more was I going to hurt myself? How much more was I going to torture myself because of how someone else treated me.
I sensed that Debbie was going to let me off the hook. I sensed that she was going to let me think about everything that had gone on but not take that one, last, final step.
And I knew I had to take that one last final step. I knew that after forty five years of torturing myself on the inside, it was time to firmly, solidly, lovingly, yet strongly put that last, biggest, most complete boundary in place.
Debbie pushed me and I pushed back.
“No!” I softly said and I pushed her away.
Debbie pushed me again.
“No. No!” I said again, a little louder as I put more force into my push.
“NO!” I exhaled as I put all my might into my push, no longer afraid of pushing back. No longer worrying about what the others thought.
I kept pushing and saying “No” until I felt the entire word overcome my body, my energy and my self. It was like I no longer needed to say the word no – I WAS the word no.
So this is what it feels like to put a complete boundary in place. No apologies. No worry about hurt feelings. No concern for everyone and everything else – just a full on no.
It was like every boundary I’ve ever put in place in the past, exploded to the 100th degree.
And it was liberating. More than liberating, I felt free.
And it had nothing to do with making someone else feel small or less-than and it had everything to do with being strong in myself.
As you can probably imagine, the ride back from the waterfall with my horse was completely different.
I was able to check out the volcano, the trees, talk to the rest of the group – and connect with my horse.
And none of it had to do with making anyone feel small or insignificant and all of it had to do with me tapping into the power within me.
My horse and I walked away, completely connected on every level.
Love and Light,